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GM3YEW > HUMOR 20.06.21 08:06l 177 Lines 6710 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 21617_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: jokes 20/6
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Sent: 210620/0558Z 21617@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When Windows won't open and the salt clogs the shaker the weather
will favour the umbrella maker!
-------
Thanks to Ian R.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:
6/
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
---
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-- Abbie Hoffman
---
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
-- Charles Schulz
Cars
----
Well I don't know what to make of this. But I do know I don't want to
offend anyone.
I think we can all agree that gasoline-powered auto-mobiles only have a few
decades of use left in them what with the cost of oil and environmental
concerns and all. Even Ex President Bush called on Americans to reduce
our use of oil and gasoline and search for more fuel-efficient means of
transportation.
Probably the most popular solution at the moment is the hybrid car. But now
it seems that any vehicle powered by electricity will present a potential
problem to at least one major group of people: the blind.
The National Federation for the Blind says that hybrid cars are *too* quiet
and could endanger lives.
Huh. Absolutely no pun intended but I bet auto makers sure didn't see that
one coming.
Trains
------
A train is the only thing you can run away from when it's coming.
Confucius say: Man who put head on rail road track get splitting headache.
Darn - missed the train to reality again!
Gates are down the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
If a train station is a station where the train stops what's a workstation?
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
tracks.
Make like a train and leave tracks.
My train of thought derails frequently.
Now that's one train of thought I'm glad I'm not riding!
Railroad engineers are on the right track.
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
The sign said Stop Look Listen ... and while I did the train hit me.
When you've read about one train wreck you've read about them all.
Garage Openers Ruined By Marine Radios
--------------------------------------
MANASSASVa. - Hundreds of suburbanites near the Quantico Marine base in
Virginia found their garage door openers rendered useless by radio waves
emanating from the base. The powerful signal created at the Marine base
shuts down any remote operating at the same frequency forcing users to pay
for a new system operating on a different frequency the Washington Post
reported Monday. Many residents believe the Marines should foot the bill.
However Marine Lt. Brian Donnelly a spokesman at the base said the
Marines have legal right-of-way on the airwaves. "Consumer wireless
devices such as garage door openers operate on an unlicensed basis
meaning they are required to accept any interference from licensed spectrum.
Users including the Department of defence" Donnelly said in the Post
article.
Fast Food (a Blast From The Past!)
----------------------------------
"Hey Dad" one of my kids asked the other day"What was your favourite fast
food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up" I informed him. "All the
food was slow."
"C'mon seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day
and when Grandpa got home from work we sat down together at the dining
room table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to
sit there until I did like it."
By this time the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage so I didn't tell him the part about how I
had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I
would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house wore Levis set foot on a golf
Course travelled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later
years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good
only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way there
is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds
and only had one speed (slow). We didn't have a television in our house
until I was 14 It was of course black and white but they bought a piece
of coloured plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue like the
sky and the bottom third was green like grass . The middle third was red.
It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of
the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 17 before I tasted my first pizza it was called "pizza pie." When I
bit into it I burned the roof of my mouth and tongue and the cheese slid
Off swung down plastered itself against my chin and burned that too.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the
living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial you had to
listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the
line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I
delivered a newspaper six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper of which I
got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday I
had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favourite customers were
the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection
day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least they did in the
movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French
movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just
don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be is it?
--
Best Wishes
Dave.
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