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GM3YEW > HUMOR 08.01.22 09:04l 237 Lines 5613 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 24928_GB7YEW
Read: GAST
Subj: Jokes 8/1
Path: DB0FFL<OE2XZR<OE5XBL<DB0RBS<DB0RES<PI8CDR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220108/0649Z 24928@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Flies bite more before a rain
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Desiderata - Max Ehrmann, 1927
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
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Did You Know -
 Â
Â
-Adolf Hit's mother seriously considered having an abortion
But was talked out of it by her doctor.
Â
--
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
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I have a little Satnav
It sits well in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
Itâ€Ös better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the bloody thing off!
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Birthday Greetings
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Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
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A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi
terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a
British soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the
Platoon Leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported - I was heavily armed, moving north along the highway here
and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took
cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved.
He yelled back that Gordon Brown is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour
politician who knows nothing about running a country.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling Oh yeah? Well, so does Peter Mandelson.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody
truck hit us.
Arguing
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If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
Pen
---
The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.
==========
Thanksgiving
------------
A Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK
Journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if we
Celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
===========
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
Variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
Need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
Which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
Gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
That if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
Souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
Change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
The temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
Has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
Enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
All Hell breaks loose.
2.. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
In Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
Over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
That, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
Into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
Be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
Over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
Follows that it is not accepting any more Souls and is therefore,
Extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
Being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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Best Wishes
Dave
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