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GM3YEW > HUMOR 12.01.22 08:36l 222 Lines 6505 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
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Subj: Jokes 12/1
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Sent: 220112/0628Z 25113@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Wind blows at midnight - it will rain tomorrow
--------
Did You Know -
 Â
-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for
Dating are already married.
Â
---
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where heâÖd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.â
The Marine looked at the man and said,
"Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.â
The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
âI would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine repeated,
"Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.â
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again,
âI would like to go in and meet with President Trump."
The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump.
I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here.
DonâÖt you get it?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said,
"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention and said,
"See you tomorrow, Sir."
--
Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
--------
Federal Court Ruling from the Melbourne Age (a newspaper published in
Australia) - (Now Dated !!!!)
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt in keeping with the child custody
laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the extent
and degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials the judge granted temporary custody to the English
Cricket Team who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone"
Nosy
----
My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in
her diary.
-- Drake Sather
Questions
---------
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat the boy suddenly
became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment then replied "Don't rightly know son."
The boy returned to his contemplation then turned back to his father "How
do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied "Don't rightly know son."
A little later the boy asked his father "Why is the sky blue?"
Again the father replied. "Don't rightly know son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father he says"Dad do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions you'll never learn
anything!"
Bizarre Newspaper Ads
---------------------
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now the Superstore--unequalled in size unmatched in variety unrivalled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for £11.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Early Phone Call
----------------
Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning I
answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering I
explained that it was before normal business hours but that I would help
if I could.
"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.
"I'm the president" I replied.
There was a pause. "I'll call back later" he said I need to talk to
someone who knows something."
No Shovels
----------
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the
situation.
The supervisor radios back and says "Don't worry we'll send some
shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive.
Bee
---
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment a
bee flew in his window. The bee said "What seems to be the problem?"
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later the
man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas
tank. After a few minutes the bees flew out. "Try it now" said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "WOW!" the
man exclaimed"What did you put in my gas tank?"
The bee answered "BP."
Seafood
-------
A friend of mine works in the kitchen of a seafood restaurant. He said
they'd been experimenting with ways to improve the taste of the fried fish
entrees. They'd found that if they mixed herbs and spices in with the
shortening they use for frying it made a wonderful difference. Of course timing is critical
and the frying process must be closely monitored so
that the food isn't over- or under-cooked.
That would explain why when I called him at work the other day he said he
couldn't talk. He explained "I left my carp in saffron Crisco."
Name Change
-----------
"You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" the judge asked.
"Yes your honour."
The judge looked at the petition. "I can ummm see why ummm Mr.
Leon... Birdbrain is it?"
"Yes your honour that's correct."
"And what do you want to change your name to Mr.ummm Birdbrain?"
"From Leon to Jim your honour."
----
Best Wishes
Dave
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